On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge: “If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don’t have to come to school on Monday: ‘We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'”

A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says “Franklin Delano Roosevelt”.

“Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off” the teacher replies.

“I’m Vietnamese, we value education I’ll be here Monday”.

“Ok” says the teacher “Lets try another one: ‘Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.'”

This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.

“Abraham Lincoln”

“Correct Susie.” the teacher asserts “Enjoy your day off”

Susie says “Oh no ma’am. I’m Chinese, we also value education I’ll be here early on Monday morning”.

“Fucking immigrants!” a voice says from the back.

“Who said that?!” the teacher snaps.

“Donald Trump…” says little Johnny “…I’ll see ya Tuesday”

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Within a small tribe of Native Indians, some of the men ask the chief how cold the winter will be.

The chief replies “It will be a very cold winter, we must get a lot of wood”

So, the men go out and collect the winter supply of wood, with some extra just in case. They go back the the chief and ask if it will be enough, to which, he replies: “It will be a very cold winter, go get more wood.

So again, the men go out and collect more wood, they find the Chief again and ask if it will be enough, to which he replies: “No, it will be a very cold winter, you must get more wood.”

This happens four more times, until the Chief comes to the realization that if it is not a cold winter, they will kill him for lying to them, and for making them collect so much wood. So the Chief decides to the local town to ask the meteorologist how cold the winter will be. He get’s on his horse and heads out. Upon reaching the meteorologist, he asks him “how cold will the winter be?”.

The meteorologist responds “Oh, it will be a very cold winter this year”

The chief, relieved, asks how he knows this, to which the meteorologist replies “Just look at how much wood the Indians are collecting!”
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A man is lost in the desert. He’s tired and as he’s stumbling up another sand dune , he comes across a lamp.

“What the hell?”, he thinks and rubs it three times and a genie pops out.

“Thank you so much!” The genie tells the man. “I’ve been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years! Since you set me free I will grant you one wish.”

The man kinda grumbles thinking he always thought it was three wishes but quickly gets over it. A wish is a wish. He pulls out a map from his back pocket and asks the genie, “You see this part of the world right here?”

He points to the Middle East. “There’s so much violence and turmoil that has lasted thousands of years there that I would like there to be peace for as long as the world exists.”

The genie responds to the man with a tear coming out of his eye, “I’m sorry . Even with all my magical power I cannot make that wish come true.” A tear drops out of the man’s eye. He really wanted to make a difference.

“Cheer up!” genie says, “You still have a wish! what else might you wish for?”

“Well… You know Kim Kardashian? I would really like you to explain to me why she is still famous.”

The genie responds, “Let me take a look at that map again.”

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Dugly came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Dugly, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Dugly was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Dugly was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Dugly, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Dugly. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Dugly, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

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