Dugly cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, “Look, I just can’t bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it’s a real problem.”

The doctor says, “Well, is it too warm?”

“Yes, it’s absolutely sweltering”

“Then get an air conditioner”

“I can’t afford air conditioner doctor, I’m too poor”

“Well, Dugly, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a close friend, Carl”

“Well, ask your friend Carl to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help.”

So, Dugly asks Carl for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dugly is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Carl fanning them with the towel but it’s doing nothing for her.

Dugly says, “Well this isn’t working, let’s swap.” So Dugly takes the towel and starts wafting Carl, who is now making love to Dugly’s wife. Not long after, Dugly’s wife goes “Oooh… oh that’s it, I’m about to cum, I’m going to cum!”

Dugly shouts, triumphantly, “You see, Carl?! That’s how you waft a fucking towel!”

“””””

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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He’s watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says “that looks amazing, I want to do that!”

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play guitar.” Says the horse.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the horse. “I’m a horse.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

“Hey Chicken, come over!” he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it’s pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says “hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that.”

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play the drums.” Says the chicken.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the chicken. “I’m a chicken.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something’s missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they’ve been up to. Cow thinks it’s pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play bass guitar.” Says the cow.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the cow. “I’m a cow.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they’re practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says “hey, you guys are pretty good! I’m from a record label, I’d like to sign you!”

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she’s all good, it’s just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he’s out of a job and he’s stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he’ll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “why the long face?”

——-

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses. “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” What do they say?” the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

That’s obscene!” the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. “You know,” he says, “I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner.” “Thank you,” the woman responds, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

——-

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A man and his wife are woken up at 3 am by a knock on the door. The husband goes downstairs to answer it, and finds a drunk on his porch soaked from the heavy rain outside.

“Can I help you?” asks the husband.

“Yes I’d like a ‘push’ please,” replies the drunk.

The husband replies, “Not a chance, it’s 3 in the morning!” and slams the door shut in the stranger’s face.

“Who was that?” asks the wife as he returns to bed.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a ‘push’,” replies the husband.

“Did you help him?” she asks

“Absolutely not! It’s 3 in the morning and it’s pouring out there!” he responds.

“Well you have a short memory, ” says the wife. “Don’t you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and be ashamed of yourself! Even drunks deserve a chance.”

“You’re right, ” admits the husband. Ashamed, he puts on a coat and runs outside in the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” He calls out once again.

“Yes please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here…..on the swing,” replied the drunk.

——-

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