A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks,

“What’s wrong my friend?”

He says “My partner left me for another man.”

“Ah, life can be cruel” says the local. “Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me.”

Mario takes the man to the window.

“You see those olive trees? I planted every single one. Dug the soil with my bare hands, tended them from seedling to bear the finest oil in the country. You think they call me Mario the gardener? No. Follow me.”

He takes the young man out to the porch of the bar.

“Look out at that lake. You see those boats? I built every one with my bare hands. I chopped down the trees, cut the planks for every foot of ship and varnished every keel in that dock. Do you think they call me Mario the shipwright? No. Life can be cruel and unfair my friend.”

As they stood there a couple of men from the village round a corner and immediately yell,

“Hey look, it’s Mario the goat fucker!”

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A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.

‘When did you last have a smoke?’ she asks. ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.

She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, ‘When did you last have a drink?’ He said, ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.

Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, ‘And when was the last time you played around?’ He looks at her in amazement and says: ‘You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?’

Ronnie Corbett (1930 – 2016)

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.

“You kicked in the door when you couldn’t get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.”

“Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?”

“When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, ‘Get your hands off me! I’m married!'”

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A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

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