A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut. One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

“Why, doesn’t that just defeat the whole purpose?” asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.

“SNAP!”, the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! “Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire”, said the magistrate. Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.

They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part.
Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact. “Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.

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A man saw a lady with big breasts.

He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?”

She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner.

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.”

Eventually the lady asks, “Aren’t you gonna bite them?”

He replies, “No, it’s too expensive.”

“““““

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Yo mama so fat…

She go out in high heels and come back in flats!

I pictured her in my head and I broke my neck.

Her selfies are taken on panoramic mode.

When she sits on the bus, she sits ON the bus

Her blood type is ragu rich and meaty.

When she put a teaspoon of water in the bathtub it overflowed

shes on both sides of the family

she has two watches one for each time zone she’s in.

she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

she wears neck deodorant

“““““

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says,”License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration,please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? ”

^^^^^^

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