A kindergarten teacher asks her class, “who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

A little girl raises her hand and says, “the sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “sorry Susie, but the sky can also be red at sunset and black at night.”

A little boy says, “trees are definitely green.”

The teacher says, “sorry, but trees change colors in the fall.”

Johnny stands up suddenly and blurts out, “does a fart have lumps?”

Horrified, the teacher exclaims, “Johnny, of course not!”

Johnny sits back down and says, “ok, then I’ve definitely shit my pants.”

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“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Greg.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Greg.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Greg?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

“““““

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As the limousine stops, twenty beautiful models step out followed by this very well dressed man carrying a rooster. They enter the restaurant, and sit at the large reserved table. When the waiter arrives, the man orders: “I would like to start with some Beluga caviar for me and the ladies, and triple portion for the rooster. Then we will proceed to have lobster linguini, one portion each, and five plates for my rooster. Then we will have the finest fillet you have, and salads. The rooster will have seven plates of roast beef with potatoes. And bring us several bottles of your finest wine.”

As the dinner proceeds, the man reveals himself to be extremely amicable, and, by the end of the meal, the waiter finds the courage to ask the man for his story.

“I had always been very poor, and I would travel the world living on scraps. In one of my trips, you see, I found a lantern. As I was polishing it, a genie came out and told me that he would make three of my wishes come true. ‘I want to be the richest man on earth’, I said. ‘Consider it done’, replied the genie. And as you see, money is of no concern to me. ‘I want to be surrounded by the most beautiful women in the world’. ‘Done’ replied the genie. Again, as you can very well see it was as promised. ‘Then, since I will have all these beautiful women, I want an insatiable cock’. And there, there was a misunderstanding.”

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The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke. After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: “Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?”

Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.

The professor continued: “Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

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