A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari. Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

“Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people.”

“Oh?” says the Brit. “What’s that?”

“Well…” the chief responds, “We will kill you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin to make a canoe. However we’re not entirely uncivilized. We will let you choose the manner of your death, and perform it yourself, if you’d like.”

The Frenchman steps forward first. “I will take a sword, s’il vous plaît.”

The cannibals hand him a sword. The Frenchman shouts “Vive la France!” then runs himself through with the sword.

Next the Brit steps forward. “I’ll have a pistol, chaps.”

The cannibals hand him a pistol. “God save the Queen!” shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out.

Finally the New Yorker steps forward. “Gimme a fork.”

The cannibals are a bit mystified, but nonetheless give him a fork. He proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork. Arms, legs, face, torso. Anywhere he can stab himself with it, he does so.

The chief is aghast. “Good Lord! What are you doing?!?!?!”

The New Yorker bellows,

“SO MUCH FOR YER CANOE, YA FUCKING JERKS!”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey Zenkie. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking Zenkie jumps around all over the place. Zenkie grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first.

. . . . . . . .

Visit the Pets Blog for pet caring tips. Pawtra.com has fantastic training tips.

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Scots think you’re great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Scot returned and said “Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?” “Sure” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds.” “Aye” replied the Scot, “pour the pints and start the clock.” It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.

“Ok yank, pay up.” said the Scot “I’m happy to pay, here is your money” said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?’ The Scot replied, “Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”

——-

Best Drink Recipes at CoctailWild.com

God decides to take a vacation. So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, “How about the Moon? It’s supposed to be all the rage right now.”

God thinks about it and says, “No… I’d like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere.”

So the agents says, “Okay, well how about Mars? It’s really nice this time of year.”

God considers it for a second and then says, “No… I’d really like to go somewhere with water.”

The agent goes, “Oh well I’ve got the perfect place, how about Earth? It’s got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!”

God thinks about it again before saying, “No… I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they’ve been talking about it ever since.”

——-

.site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com