An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute….”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”

Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

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People have asked me why I got divorced…. well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 22nd floor to the lobby.

The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, “That looks like a cum stain.”

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. “Smells like a cum stain,” she says.

The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, “Well, it’s nobody from this building!”

“““““

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A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: “who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?”

GUY: “that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

MAN: “oh… that’s terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn’t you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?”

GUY: “No…they are all currently at her funeral!”

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