A man is sitting in the bus at the bus stop with his head sticking out the window… Waiting for the bus to leave.. As the bus starts moving he sees a man running after it trying to catch it.. Knowing the man won’t be able to catch up he yells at the runner, “stop running so fast you’re gonna shit yourself…” The man running looks at him and bitterly says, “if only you knew who I am you’d shit yourself..” The man sitting in the bus, annoyed by this mans cockiness says, “fine, who are you?” The man running says, “I’m the bus driver.”

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One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

“Why, doesn’t that just defeat the whole purpose?” asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.

“SNAP!”, the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! “Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire”, said the magistrate.

Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.

They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact.

“Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.

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Forgive me father for i have sinned. “go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man. “continue” says the priest. “I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway”. “and this is when you swore?” asked the priest. “No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man. “this must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. “No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man. “Ahhh I see” says the priest “this must have been the point where you swore” “Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole” The priest pauses for a few seconds “you missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”

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A 90-year old man walks into a Catholic church confessional. ‘Father,’ he says, ‘I’m 90 years old…been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I screwed them both!’

‘And are you remorseful?’ asks the priest. ‘Hell no.’ ‘So then what do you think of these sins?’ the priest asks. ‘What sins?’ asks the man. After a slight pause the priest says, ‘my son, what kind of Catholic are you?’ ‘I’m not, I’m an Atheist.’

Confused, the priest finally asks, ‘so why are you telling me this?’ ‘Are you kidding?’ replies the man. ‘I’m 90 years old and I screwed two young girls at once. I’m telling EVERYBODY!’

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