An old man walks into a confessional at a Catholic Church and says, ” I’m 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Then why are you telling me this?”

Man: “I’m telling everybody!”

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An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn.

He decides to interview John who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Sarah.

“Been out for a few have we mate?” asks the officer.

“Shuure ave mate” grins John.

“I realise you are very drunk sir,” states the officer, “but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!”

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These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, “Disorder in the American Courts”…………

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s twenty — much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kiddin’ me?

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with ‘a male’.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.

The drunk claims to be Jesus.

The priest disagrees, the man insists.

Finally, the priest says, “how can you prove it?”

The man, says “come with me.”

They go inside the bar.

The bartender says, “Jesus Christ, not you again.”

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