The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Krissy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have lots of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car. We stopped suddenly and the basket went flying and the eggs all broke and made a mess” “What’s the moral of the story?”, asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, replied Krissy. “Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Rachel raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we got only ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” “That was a fine story Rachel,” said the teacher.

Then the teacher turned her attention to Bobby.

“Do you have a story, Billy?” “Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Helen. Aunt Helen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She parachuted out and all she had with her was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke and THEN she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!” “Good lord!” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that story?”

Stay the f*** away from Aunt Helen when she’s been drinking.”

“““““

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Dugly gets home late one night and his wife, Sarah, says, “Where in the hell have you been?”

Dugly replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
“““““

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, “I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish! When your partner can take no more sex, all she has to say is ‘1234’, and it will go down. But be warned, you will not rise again for another year.”

That night the old man slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says “123” and suddenly, he has the hugest erection ever, just as the medicine man promised!

His wife turns over and asks, “What did you say ‘123’ for ?

“““““

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An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat Oscar. A genie walks up her sidewalk. “Ma’am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes.”

The woman smiles, “Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again.” The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. “I would like lots of money!” she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, “My cat Oscar here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?” The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.

“Why hello” she says coyly. Oscar looks at her, “Don’t look at me, you had me neutered.”

“““““

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