I was working in the ER today. This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming “you told me to do this! You did this to me!” So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn’t know where her hear was. So the patient called her doctor and asked “where’s my heart?” The doctor told her “it’s about 2 inches below your nipple”. So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

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A guy dies and the first thing he sees is a man with horns

Man: “Oh no I didn’t make it into heaven?”
Satan: “No you didn’t, but hell isn’t that bad!”
Man: “How so?”
Satan: “Well do you like to drink?”
Man: “yes I love drinking!”
Satan: “Well on Monday’s we drink! Wine, beer, liquor whatever you like. Do you like to smoke?”
Man: “I was a heavy smoker!”
Satan: “Well on Tuesday’s we smoke! Pipes, cigars, cigarettes the choice is yours. Do you like gambling?”
Man: “Of course I like gambling!”
Satan: “Well on Wednesday’s we gamble. Blackjack, poker, baccarat whatever you prefer! Do you like drugs?”
Man: “I love drugs!”
Satan: “Well on Thursday’s we do drugs! Meth, heroine, cocaine, pot who cares, and you’re already dead so it won’t even hurt you! And you’re gay right?”
Man: “No? I’m straight as an arrow, I like women!”
Satan: “Oh, well you probably won’t be enjoying Fridays”

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Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news…

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don’t believe Western medicine anyways! I’ve been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We’ll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That’s better! Of course, it would!

Doctor: What’s your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he begins yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

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