Man meets woman during game

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

“””””

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80 year old woman says you told me to do this

I was working in the ER today. This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming “you told me to do this! You did this to me!” So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn’t know where her hear was. So the patient called her doctor and asked “where’s my heart?” The doctor told her “it’s about 2 inches below your nipple”. So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

“””””

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First thing he sees is a man with horns

A guy dies and the first thing he sees is a man with horns

Man: “Oh no I didn’t make it into heaven?”
Satan: “No you didn’t, but hell isn’t that bad!”
Man: “How so?”
Satan: “Well do you like to drink?”
Man: “yes I love drinking!”
Satan: “Well on Monday’s we drink! Wine, beer, liquor whatever you like. Do you like to smoke?”
Man: “I was a heavy smoker!”
Satan: “Well on Tuesday’s we smoke! Pipes, cigars, cigarettes the choice is yours. Do you like gambling?”
Man: “Of course I like gambling!”
Satan: “Well on Wednesday’s we gamble. Blackjack, poker, baccarat whatever you prefer! Do you like drugs?”
Man: “I love drugs!”
Satan: “Well on Thursday’s we do drugs! Meth, heroine, cocaine, pot who cares, and you’re already dead so it won’t even hurt you! And you’re gay right?”
Man: “No? I’m straight as an arrow, I like women!”
Satan: “Oh, well you probably won’t be enjoying Fridays”

“””””

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Karen at the Doctor Office

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news…

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don’t believe Western medicine anyways! I’ve been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We’ll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That’s better! Of course, it would!

Doctor: What’s your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

“””””

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