I ended up hooking up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘ Mum, you still awake?’

“““““

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The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors.

On the day of reckoning, hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin.

The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd.

“Men. I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter’s hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will…”

Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement.

Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water the warrior emerged.

As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire.

The warrior was halfway through the pit when the lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands.

A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head.

Finally, at long last, the giant fell.

The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess’ hand in his.

“I am truly amazed” exclaimed the king.

“You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal” said the king.

“Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter’s hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?”

“Yes” said the warrior.

“Your highness, I want you to bring me the motherfucker that pushed me in.”

——-

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

“Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

“Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she said.

“Well,” thought the man, “might as well carry on.”

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.

“Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she fluttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.

“Fuck me or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

“Who are you?” the man asked.

“Hello,” said the ugly fat man said, “my name is Cess!”

——-

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A man, about to crawl into bed with his wife for the night, looks out his window to see 3 men robbing his shed. So, he calls the police. “Hello, I see three men stealing from my shed, can you please send someone down here?” The operator replies, “I’m sorry sir, but there’s no units available in your area. It will take 30 minutes for someone to get to you.” The man thinks this is odd, but hangs up.

A minute later he calls back and says, “Ok, you can take your time now, because I’ve shot them all.” Within 6 minutes police cruisers arrive on-scene and catch the 3 robbers red-handed. A police officer walks up to the man and says, “I thought you said you’d shot them all?” The man replies, “I thought you said there were no units available in the area?”

——-

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