The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied… “Vietnam.”

“““““

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Mr. Carter was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl’s junior college. During class one day he asked his student, “Miss Tucker, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

Miss Tucker gasped, and then said, “Mr. Carter, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.

“With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Carter then called on Miss Evens and asked the same question. Miss Evens, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct,” said Mr. Carter. “And now, Miss Tucker, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

“””””

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Two blonde carpeters Jim and Jack decided to try to flip a house. Jim was installing hardwood floors and Jack was nailing down siding. Jim was done installing the wood floors, so he came outside to check on Jack. He saw Jack reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

Jim, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Jack explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”

Jim got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

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A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

“””””

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